A Moron’s reply to Moron theory

Hello All. Inexplicably some people had reported abuse against my blogs after the anonymous shit comments on one of my posts. Perhaps they were not happy with the moron theory. I kind of know who they are. So I contacted them for the reason and asked for an explanation as to what has offended them. They have sent me this letter in response. Some sections of this letter have been removed/redmarked to keep it politically correct (Also some comment modified to make it funny). Let me know your responses

Dear Abhi,

What the hell is wrong with you? Have you taken it on yourself to eliminate our sect? Do you really think you will get away so easily after demeaning us so badly? If all those sarcastically poisonous comments to anything we did post for attention on Facebook were not enough, you decided to come up with something called Moron theory. I decided to let it go, when you posted something here at http://bakwaswani.wordpress.com/2010/08/22/the-moron-theory-part-1/ but just when I visited this page today and saw that this page has some sixty odd hits, I know I had to stop it. Just then I also saw something written here at http://bakwaswani.blogspot.com/2010/09/bangalomorons-study-of-different-type.html and that was it. I know whom were you hitting at. I had tried to warn you by posting comments as anonymous on http://bakwaswani.blogspot.com/2010/08/this-is-for-independence.html but you insulted me there as well. Now your blog’s time has come, as now officially I and my moron-full family will be reporting abuse to your blog.

Yes, you people might have mocked at my family, a family which is not based on relations of blood, but a common thread of ridiculousness that is deeply rooted into our blood. World has conspired against us but this family has continued. We had known your intent all along ever since you created the character named “Varun Shyamak”, who, which any moron can see, is not one character but a culmination of all characters we represent. And now when you say you are working on his farewell, we know what you actually mean.

After all what is the thing that you are so pissed about? Why do you get so agitated whenever we post some status message stating “what have we eaten today”, “What color chaddi are we wearing today”, “what are we reading” , “what nail polish have we applied” , or any philosophy we get from Google or whenever we post our awesomely irritating photos? Why do you put an agonizingly irritating witty remark on those and thereby leading to everyone lose track of original issue? Can’t you see how much time and energy we spend each day to make our lives more Facebook worthy? Don’t you see this is the only space we get the attention we really deserve? What is your problem with us posting “looking hot/sexy/beautiful/gorgeous” to every disgustingly ugly photo one of our temporary rakhi sisters (as long as they are seeing someone else) upload on Facebook? Why should we say to her that you look ugly and lose the chance of upgrading her from our rakhi sister/facebook friend/friend to our girlfriend? If you don’t like it why don’t you delete your facebook account and go back to your fucking miserable life?

And what the fuck is your problem with Bangalore? Isn’t it one of the nicest cities in India? Agreed that the traffic sucks, the food is not great, rented houses are overpriced, and there are a lot of dogs and by dogs I don’t mean the ones you insulted for wearing the ID card after office hours. What harm does it cause to you if we wear ID card after office? Even though sucked and miserable look are enough to indicate that one works for a Software company, still ID card is a great value add to the otherwise unvalued persons. Have you ever heard of a term called ‘impression management”? If not, just google for it and find what it means and why it is so important to have a correct impression management. If you have something important it is utterly important to flaunt it to death. If the ID card of an MNC is the only impressive thing present in your life it is not but mandatory to show it to the world. You never know when a chick may just come to talk to you for uploading her resume for a position in your company. Don’t tell me that you haven’t received friend requests from random chicks and it had turned out that they just wanted reference for a job in your company. While getting such requests on Social networks are useless, they may lead to bigger things if it happens in real world and so there is no harm in being prepared.

Have you looked at yourself when you are walking in public places, having your both hands in your pockets and an arrogant look into your eyes, sporting an ugly unshaven look, looking angry and amused at everything around you and at the same time plotting how to put it into your blog? What is your anger about? Why can’t you bear anyone not giving you way? I agree footpaths are narrow and people standing on them cause problems. But have you ever imagined one of the persons standing on these footpaths can be the next Newton who at that time might be working on an algorithm of physics. Why do you find it funny when people wear sunglasses when it is raining or in the dark? Don’t you know how much one pair of Fast Track sunglasses cost? So, how can you even expect someone who has spent a fortune to buy himself a pair of sunglasses to wear it only when sun is out? Those people wearing skin tight sleeveless clothes and walking as zombies also belong to this category. They have spent so much time and money hitting the gym and also consumed certain non advised medicines to get those biceps and that abs. So it is only fair to flaunt that even if it requires walking as a robot. Noone, not even Raju Srivastava, has a right to mock them. And why do you always prefer to use the term “Man U, Rooney, Chelsea shit” for English Premier League? FYI, Man U and Chelsea are names of two clubs and Rooney is a player. So this grouping is totally lame. Do you really think that EPL is just some club Football season that one should see at home and not flaunt about it at all the places and let the whole world know about it? In reality showing the world that you love EPL is more important than actually watching the game. It is something every youngster has to watch to give himself a feeling of being cool. Unless you watch it, how will you join the big leagues? If you don’t watch it then you may be considered a villager. So take my advice and start wearing those jerseys and at least keep track of the scores. You don’t necessarily have to understand football to talk about EPL. And also you do not need to recognize each and every player name. Just remember Rooney, Ronaldo, Messi, Man U, Barca, Chelsea, Madrid and you are started. Always talk about either Chelsea or Man U but not both. Once you swear your allegiance to one of these clubs and post the scores everywhere just see the increase in your popularity. Your blog will have more followers once you post a wallpaper of Man U or Chelsea club photos.

And ,if all these were not enough you have also pissed off girls and branded them as Rakhi Sawants. What is so wrong with girls wearing something that does not suits them? The fake ascents, the fake walking styles, the monstrously exaggerated expressions, the cynical use of terms “how cute” and “how sweet” are all secondary and why don’t you just ignore these and focus on important stuff. Have you forgotten the story of that girl you almost turned into girlfriend but missed out once you mocked her over her obsessison with soft toys? Girls should be allowed to be infinitely stupid and you don’t even try to make them intelligent else guys like me will be at infinite loss.

Coming back to Facebook again, why does every cause invite pisses you to the edge? Cause invites are a great way to give you some popularity. In this way you don’t need to move your ass out of your chair to make a change. So now rather than doing candlelight vigil and risking mosquito bite leading to dengue, you simply need to join a page and in a minute you are a reformer. Don’t you see Chetan Bhagat has turned into a 10% reformer by simple tweeting and writing blogs. Don’t you want to do something for your country? Why did you not join the page requesting to “delete Fuck India” page? Why did you not join the cause to make one million flags fly on Facebook on August 15th? And to add to the insult when one of my brothers in arm invited you to join these causes you removed him from your friend’s list after giving him a piece of your mind and then went ahead to write "this is for independence" mocking this cause. Do you realize by removing so many people from your friend list how many enemies you have ended up creating?

My family will not take it lying down. You do not realize as to whom you have pissed. You are alone in this fight and I have a big family to back me, a family that has stood the test of time and has been together for past five years and more; a family that has survived all conspiracies and has never shirked from cutting other’s legs to make ourselves look taller. We demand an immediate and an unconditional apology, not only from you but from all your readers who read all those craps you wrote and had commented and/or liked it. In case we don’t get it, beginning from now on, each and every member of my family will abuse report on your blog unless we get it dead and buried. Don’t take this lightly else you will not even have time to regret it.

Thanking you!
Yours faithfully,
Gladdened Rimjhim Kumar,
Chief Secy, Immortal Cantt. Parivaar,
Suraj Nagar, Bangalore
bakchdikulelispecial@gmail.com
(Branches available in Chennai, Gurgaon, Hyderabad )
(We are hiring for entry into the family, send in ur CVs)

This is for 'Independence'

Ok. First things first. This is not a story. There are no Varun Shyamaks and no other morons out here. I have been too crunched to think for the past couple of month, so I can’t form a story to share my opinions that I have got used to doing. And even though today I am not in a position to sound sarcastic when I want to sound bitter, I wanted to write this. I wanted to write this even though my life is too burdened at this time with the ‘more important’ stuff, the stuffs that you require to do even though you despise them. For today is our independence day, the one of the few days that reminds us that we are Indians and that we are free.
So I woke up today and as a usual routine logged into Facebook and saw a lot of people have waved flags on the facebook, some of them had posted poems and some due to maybe a lack of time to google such poems or anecdotes had just posted a “Jai Hind”. I just pondered over it, as to what I should do to show that even I care about the Independence day. Unable to find a way I decided to not do it, as I logged into office network to do some pending work even though it was a Sunday and there is no way an Indian employee will be paid more for putting in an extra day or even an extra hour. But there was no relief as people kept pinging me on gtalk wishing me happy Independence Day and then suddenly I started getting a hollow feeling. I started feeling that I am not a ‘true’ Indian for I have neither updated my status, nor have I joined a page asking facebook to delete the page “Fuck India” created by “true” Pakistanis, nor did I joined a page promoting a social cause, and till then I haven’t even ‘waved the flag’. I waited for the feeling to go away, but it didn’t. So I decided to walk out and go to a restaurant alone, even though it felt awkward. When I walked out I saw a biker standing and having a tricolor flag made of paper installed just above is headlight. I wanted to point him that this is a disrespect of the tricolor and if you want to have a flag on your vehicle, it must be hoisted on a stick 1 at least one foot above your headlight as the rule says, but then I did not. As I moved further I saw a car which had a tricolor spread like a mattress on its bonnet. I thought it was ridiculous but again I didn’t say a word. Then there came a procession of pampered ‘dudes’ who till yesterday could easily be seen around wearing a English football club jersey and shouting ManU, Chelsea, Rooney and Barca shit, who were driving a car probably gifted by their parents, and shouting ‘Bharat mata ki jai’ and waving the tricolors some of them even holding it upside down. I wanted to ask them do you even understand what three colors symbolize, but again I didn’t.
When I reached the restaurant, the ever polite waitress told me that they have a special Independence day buffet, and looked at me slightly incredulously when I told her that I wanted a table for ‘one’. However, before starting I just wanted to see what was special about that buffet. So I browsed over once, and just when I reached the desserts section I saw a large cake which was formed like the tricolor and also had the chakra in between and some parts of it had already been eaten and then I saw that even the pastries had three colors same as our tricolor. I wanted to shout, I wanted to tell the owners of that Chinese restaurant to fuck off from my country if they cannot respect our symbols. But then I simply walked off the restaurant (after considering taking a pic and posting it on facebook so that there is a discussion) and went straight home and didn’t leave till now, planning and plotting how I too can show that I am a true Indian. Just then it dawned upon me that I have just done that what most true Indians do. We just see things and talk about them and do nothing about them. I could have got the biker or the car owner to correct things. I could have pointed the disrespect shown by the Chinese restaurant, but I didn’t. So now the feeling has slightly evaporated. Tomorrow, I will again go to office and work for the Americans and I might totally forget about it until maybe republic day, so I decided to post this today.
I have still not ‘waved the flag’ on facebook, but as long as we have the great Indians who wave the flag on facebook, join patriotic pages and invite people, tweet what great leaders have already said and people who write blogs about it (Chetan Bhagat has solved all problems of India in one two thousand word long blog post!!!!!) we don’t need to worry for things will correct itself when it wants to.