Seven special days that mankind really needs

At the start of this year, I had made a silent resolution (silent in the sense that I did not use it as a status update) to not to mock anyone, i.e, say no to sarcasm, which, for some reason, had suddenly became associated with me. For more than a month I did keep the resolution. So, even when someone posted stuff like “lyf s much lyk facebuk..people will like your problemz n comment , bt no1 gonna solve dem..bcoz everybody seemz so busy in updating dere own...” or even “the most terible situation is wen u stop luvn ur best frd coz u knw 1 step behind ruins ur frnsp n 1 step ahead mak u fall in luv !!! best frdshp is nthng... jzt a sickk state of mind...!! dedicated to oll whu belive dey hav bst frds...!! its sheer waste...!!” I let it pass without adding a comment that would hurt. Even when someone posted this monstrously lame status stating “I like Bear Grylls for he is the only intrepid man on the planet Earth who's jst anxious of the word "Impossible" & nthng else in the universe!!” and also clicked like on it himself, I let it pass. (These are real status messages I have seen on my Timeline, and if you are the one who updated it, screw you, I am not giving you any apology).

I held on, at times, even miserably to my resolve of not mocking at anything, but then came the week Feb 7 to Feb 14, which I didn’t know till yesterday, is probably the WTF week of the year, for every day is supposed to be a ‘Day’. I had known about the 14^th being the valentine day, and someone had once told me that 7^th was Rose day. But then on 8^th , someone on my twitter timeline said it is the propose day. Add to it, on further googling I also heard there is something called as chocolate day, and finally somebody sent me link to this newspaper pic, http://twitpic.com/3xsk9q on twitter, which almost made me poke my pencil into my eye, for this whole week was marked as some ‘day’, which included a teddy day, a promise day and also hug and kiss day!!!!! Call me ignorant, but in all these years I have been on earth, I had not known it.

I was about to break my resolution and go ahead with a sarcastic take on it, but then I thought about it, and then suddenly I realized, mankind needs these special days to survive. A person needs Mother’s day to send text messages to 10 people asking to forward to another 10 people in case they love their moms. A nation needs Children's day to remind politicians like Rahul Gandhi to talk child rights and elimination of child labor. A country needs women’s day to remind about evils of dowry, domestic violence, female foeticide and violence against women for a day. Independence Day and Republic day are needed so that you can wave flags on Facebook. New year day is needed so that you can post a e-card picture and tag people in it. So what’s wrong with having days to gift chocolates and make promises and spend some money on a rose as long as it serves a bigger purpose. So, on the same note, I thought of drawing a list of special days, which will serve mankind much more than the days already available. I have finally concluded my list and will love to hear more from you intelligent people.

1. Poison day: Let 15th of Feb be marked as poison day. In case you ended up spending half your salary on a girl for all those seven days preceding it, and still she rejects you on Feb 14th, you do not deserve to die unknown. Let that be known as a sacrifice made on poison day. You will even get special discount on rat-poison on this day in case this day is marked as posion day.
2. Slap Day: Let April 25th be marked as a day when you are allowed to slap people publically. You may ask what is so special about this day. In 2008, on this landmark day in history, Harbhajan Singh had slapped Sreesanth right in middle of Mohali stadium and reduced him to tears. Just imagine having a day when you can go and slap each and every moron who is screwing your life right in his or her face. Had Sreesanth been slapped each year once, we would have been spared the horrible dance show he had put out last month in revenge of not being picked for world cup. Add to it he would not done the black magic to get innocent Praveen Kumar injured to get himself a place in world cup. Imagine yourself slapping a moron bike rider who was riding a bike very rashly and endangering others for his sole aim of getting laid, or slapping a fat ass who is for some reason standing aimlessly right in middle of narrow footpath of a busy street and has no intention to move. Don’t you need this day even more than new year day?
3. ‘Abuse your boss’ day: We all do need such a day, right? Let this day be 1st March, just a day after union budget screws you again, and lets you realize the imbalance between salary and inflation. This will give mankind an opportunity to vent out some frustration with bosses who have screwed up their lives for generations.
4. Inactivity day: This day you should just sit and do nothing at all. If you feel like doing anything, just sit and wait till that feeling goes away. Just pull out your chair and sit in front of the window and keep looking at the distant horizon. It will build patience to bear your screwed up life the way it is. Just tell screw you to people who talk about hard work, smart work, etc. and say screw you twice to people who tweet stuff like ‘early bird catches the worm’. I propose 26th September to be marked a Inactivity day as on this legendary day in 1932 our prime-minister Manmohan Singh was born, a person who has redefined inactivity at the last stage of his career.
5. Junk food day: How many times have we heard the irritating talks on harmful effects of junk food? Doesn’t a person still die even without eating junk food? Isn't chocolate bad for health too? Then why this crusade against junk food especially if junk food gives you 10 minutes of happiness. Let there be one day which can be declared as eat only junk. Let’s vote for the date.
6. Vent your frustration day: This will be a day when you can sit and complain about all things that have literally screwed up your life. You can say all stuff like ‘I was born to win but conditioned to lose’ or blame your genes or blame your colleague, but blame you must. If you feel like, you can get on top of building and grumble all your frustration out. You will be allowed to tear your hair out, bang your head on the wall or even smack your TV when you see another Docomo ad. You can take out the sim from your phone and put it under a crusher after seeing another promotional message. Any date will do, but this day is a must.
7. ‘I’ day: I did not mean the Independence day. It’s a day, when you accept yourself the way you are and do realize that you probably suck at anything you do. No matter, how much self-promotion you do, how much motivational lines you try, the fact remains is that you suck, which is evident from the fact you are still reading this blog, which in all fairness stinks. So, why not celebrate one day a year on occasion that you are still alive despite being an inconvenience to so many people around you. So, I propose let’s first settle on a date, then key a text message with any line you get from google about stupidity, moronity, assholeness, etc.etc. and add the last line as ‘If you love yourself forward it to 10 persons’ and send it 10 times to yourself. Repeat the process until you are convinced that you suck and you probably can do nothing about it.

This was my list of days I feel should be there. Off course this won't be enough. We need more such days so that each day of the year can become 'dayworthy'. However, I'll leave the decision to all of you to add more such days.

This is for 'Independence'

Ok. First things first. This is not a story. There are no Varun Shyamaks and no other morons out here. I have been too crunched to think for the past couple of month, so I can’t form a story to share my opinions that I have got used to doing. And even though today I am not in a position to sound sarcastic when I want to sound bitter, I wanted to write this. I wanted to write this even though my life is too burdened at this time with the ‘more important’ stuff, the stuffs that you require to do even though you despise them. For today is our independence day, the one of the few days that reminds us that we are Indians and that we are free.
So I woke up today and as a usual routine logged into Facebook and saw a lot of people have waved flags on the facebook, some of them had posted poems and some due to maybe a lack of time to google such poems or anecdotes had just posted a “Jai Hind”. I just pondered over it, as to what I should do to show that even I care about the Independence day. Unable to find a way I decided to not do it, as I logged into office network to do some pending work even though it was a Sunday and there is no way an Indian employee will be paid more for putting in an extra day or even an extra hour. But there was no relief as people kept pinging me on gtalk wishing me happy Independence Day and then suddenly I started getting a hollow feeling. I started feeling that I am not a ‘true’ Indian for I have neither updated my status, nor have I joined a page asking facebook to delete the page “Fuck India” created by “true” Pakistanis, nor did I joined a page promoting a social cause, and till then I haven’t even ‘waved the flag’. I waited for the feeling to go away, but it didn’t. So I decided to walk out and go to a restaurant alone, even though it felt awkward. When I walked out I saw a biker standing and having a tricolor flag made of paper installed just above is headlight. I wanted to point him that this is a disrespect of the tricolor and if you want to have a flag on your vehicle, it must be hoisted on a stick 1 at least one foot above your headlight as the rule says, but then I did not. As I moved further I saw a car which had a tricolor spread like a mattress on its bonnet. I thought it was ridiculous but again I didn’t say a word. Then there came a procession of pampered ‘dudes’ who till yesterday could easily be seen around wearing a English football club jersey and shouting ManU, Chelsea, Rooney and Barca shit, who were driving a car probably gifted by their parents, and shouting ‘Bharat mata ki jai’ and waving the tricolors some of them even holding it upside down. I wanted to ask them do you even understand what three colors symbolize, but again I didn’t.
When I reached the restaurant, the ever polite waitress told me that they have a special Independence day buffet, and looked at me slightly incredulously when I told her that I wanted a table for ‘one’. However, before starting I just wanted to see what was special about that buffet. So I browsed over once, and just when I reached the desserts section I saw a large cake which was formed like the tricolor and also had the chakra in between and some parts of it had already been eaten and then I saw that even the pastries had three colors same as our tricolor. I wanted to shout, I wanted to tell the owners of that Chinese restaurant to fuck off from my country if they cannot respect our symbols. But then I simply walked off the restaurant (after considering taking a pic and posting it on facebook so that there is a discussion) and went straight home and didn’t leave till now, planning and plotting how I too can show that I am a true Indian. Just then it dawned upon me that I have just done that what most true Indians do. We just see things and talk about them and do nothing about them. I could have got the biker or the car owner to correct things. I could have pointed the disrespect shown by the Chinese restaurant, but I didn’t. So now the feeling has slightly evaporated. Tomorrow, I will again go to office and work for the Americans and I might totally forget about it until maybe republic day, so I decided to post this today.
I have still not ‘waved the flag’ on facebook, but as long as we have the great Indians who wave the flag on facebook, join patriotic pages and invite people, tweet what great leaders have already said and people who write blogs about it (Chetan Bhagat has solved all problems of India in one two thousand word long blog post!!!!!) we don’t need to worry for things will correct itself when it wants to.