A Moron’s reply to Moron theory

Hello All. Inexplicably some people had reported abuse against my blogs after the anonymous shit comments on one of my posts. Perhaps they were not happy with the moron theory. I kind of know who they are. So I contacted them for the reason and asked for an explanation as to what has offended them. They have sent me this letter in response. Some sections of this letter have been removed/redmarked to keep it politically correct (Also some comment modified to make it funny). Let me know your responses

Dear Abhi,

What the hell is wrong with you? Have you taken it on yourself to eliminate our sect? Do you really think you will get away so easily after demeaning us so badly? If all those sarcastically poisonous comments to anything we did post for attention on Facebook were not enough, you decided to come up with something called Moron theory. I decided to let it go, when you posted something here at http://bakwaswani.wordpress.com/2010/08/22/the-moron-theory-part-1/ but just when I visited this page today and saw that this page has some sixty odd hits, I know I had to stop it. Just then I also saw something written here at http://bakwaswani.blogspot.com/2010/09/bangalomorons-study-of-different-type.html and that was it. I know whom were you hitting at. I had tried to warn you by posting comments as anonymous on http://bakwaswani.blogspot.com/2010/08/this-is-for-independence.html but you insulted me there as well. Now your blog’s time has come, as now officially I and my moron-full family will be reporting abuse to your blog.

Yes, you people might have mocked at my family, a family which is not based on relations of blood, but a common thread of ridiculousness that is deeply rooted into our blood. World has conspired against us but this family has continued. We had known your intent all along ever since you created the character named “Varun Shyamak”, who, which any moron can see, is not one character but a culmination of all characters we represent. And now when you say you are working on his farewell, we know what you actually mean.

After all what is the thing that you are so pissed about? Why do you get so agitated whenever we post some status message stating “what have we eaten today”, “What color chaddi are we wearing today”, “what are we reading” , “what nail polish have we applied” , or any philosophy we get from Google or whenever we post our awesomely irritating photos? Why do you put an agonizingly irritating witty remark on those and thereby leading to everyone lose track of original issue? Can’t you see how much time and energy we spend each day to make our lives more Facebook worthy? Don’t you see this is the only space we get the attention we really deserve? What is your problem with us posting “looking hot/sexy/beautiful/gorgeous” to every disgustingly ugly photo one of our temporary rakhi sisters (as long as they are seeing someone else) upload on Facebook? Why should we say to her that you look ugly and lose the chance of upgrading her from our rakhi sister/facebook friend/friend to our girlfriend? If you don’t like it why don’t you delete your facebook account and go back to your fucking miserable life?

And what the fuck is your problem with Bangalore? Isn’t it one of the nicest cities in India? Agreed that the traffic sucks, the food is not great, rented houses are overpriced, and there are a lot of dogs and by dogs I don’t mean the ones you insulted for wearing the ID card after office hours. What harm does it cause to you if we wear ID card after office? Even though sucked and miserable look are enough to indicate that one works for a Software company, still ID card is a great value add to the otherwise unvalued persons. Have you ever heard of a term called ‘impression management”? If not, just google for it and find what it means and why it is so important to have a correct impression management. If you have something important it is utterly important to flaunt it to death. If the ID card of an MNC is the only impressive thing present in your life it is not but mandatory to show it to the world. You never know when a chick may just come to talk to you for uploading her resume for a position in your company. Don’t tell me that you haven’t received friend requests from random chicks and it had turned out that they just wanted reference for a job in your company. While getting such requests on Social networks are useless, they may lead to bigger things if it happens in real world and so there is no harm in being prepared.

Have you looked at yourself when you are walking in public places, having your both hands in your pockets and an arrogant look into your eyes, sporting an ugly unshaven look, looking angry and amused at everything around you and at the same time plotting how to put it into your blog? What is your anger about? Why can’t you bear anyone not giving you way? I agree footpaths are narrow and people standing on them cause problems. But have you ever imagined one of the persons standing on these footpaths can be the next Newton who at that time might be working on an algorithm of physics. Why do you find it funny when people wear sunglasses when it is raining or in the dark? Don’t you know how much one pair of Fast Track sunglasses cost? So, how can you even expect someone who has spent a fortune to buy himself a pair of sunglasses to wear it only when sun is out? Those people wearing skin tight sleeveless clothes and walking as zombies also belong to this category. They have spent so much time and money hitting the gym and also consumed certain non advised medicines to get those biceps and that abs. So it is only fair to flaunt that even if it requires walking as a robot. Noone, not even Raju Srivastava, has a right to mock them. And why do you always prefer to use the term “Man U, Rooney, Chelsea shit” for English Premier League? FYI, Man U and Chelsea are names of two clubs and Rooney is a player. So this grouping is totally lame. Do you really think that EPL is just some club Football season that one should see at home and not flaunt about it at all the places and let the whole world know about it? In reality showing the world that you love EPL is more important than actually watching the game. It is something every youngster has to watch to give himself a feeling of being cool. Unless you watch it, how will you join the big leagues? If you don’t watch it then you may be considered a villager. So take my advice and start wearing those jerseys and at least keep track of the scores. You don’t necessarily have to understand football to talk about EPL. And also you do not need to recognize each and every player name. Just remember Rooney, Ronaldo, Messi, Man U, Barca, Chelsea, Madrid and you are started. Always talk about either Chelsea or Man U but not both. Once you swear your allegiance to one of these clubs and post the scores everywhere just see the increase in your popularity. Your blog will have more followers once you post a wallpaper of Man U or Chelsea club photos.

And ,if all these were not enough you have also pissed off girls and branded them as Rakhi Sawants. What is so wrong with girls wearing something that does not suits them? The fake ascents, the fake walking styles, the monstrously exaggerated expressions, the cynical use of terms “how cute” and “how sweet” are all secondary and why don’t you just ignore these and focus on important stuff. Have you forgotten the story of that girl you almost turned into girlfriend but missed out once you mocked her over her obsessison with soft toys? Girls should be allowed to be infinitely stupid and you don’t even try to make them intelligent else guys like me will be at infinite loss.

Coming back to Facebook again, why does every cause invite pisses you to the edge? Cause invites are a great way to give you some popularity. In this way you don’t need to move your ass out of your chair to make a change. So now rather than doing candlelight vigil and risking mosquito bite leading to dengue, you simply need to join a page and in a minute you are a reformer. Don’t you see Chetan Bhagat has turned into a 10% reformer by simple tweeting and writing blogs. Don’t you want to do something for your country? Why did you not join the page requesting to “delete Fuck India” page? Why did you not join the cause to make one million flags fly on Facebook on August 15th? And to add to the insult when one of my brothers in arm invited you to join these causes you removed him from your friend’s list after giving him a piece of your mind and then went ahead to write "this is for independence" mocking this cause. Do you realize by removing so many people from your friend list how many enemies you have ended up creating?

My family will not take it lying down. You do not realize as to whom you have pissed. You are alone in this fight and I have a big family to back me, a family that has stood the test of time and has been together for past five years and more; a family that has survived all conspiracies and has never shirked from cutting other’s legs to make ourselves look taller. We demand an immediate and an unconditional apology, not only from you but from all your readers who read all those craps you wrote and had commented and/or liked it. In case we don’t get it, beginning from now on, each and every member of my family will abuse report on your blog unless we get it dead and buried. Don’t take this lightly else you will not even have time to regret it.

Thanking you!
Yours faithfully,
Gladdened Rimjhim Kumar,
Chief Secy, Immortal Cantt. Parivaar,
Suraj Nagar, Bangalore
bakchdikulelispecial@gmail.com
(Branches available in Chennai, Gurgaon, Hyderabad )
(We are hiring for entry into the family, send in ur CVs)

The Bangalomorons --- A study of different type of morons found in Bangalore

I am still working on the story of Farewell of Varun Shyamak. Till then there is another post making fun of some people in Bangalore. Don't take the post seriously but just enjoy the bakwas






I had initially covered Facebook Moronity coefficient of people at http://bakwaswani.wordpress.com/ as Moron theory Part I. Now going a step further I have been studying some morons in real life, that is, the ones who carry their Moronic activities whenever they walk on streets. Having lived in Bangalore, which is undoubtedly, one of the most moron-full cities in India, I decided to scan the streets and see what kinds of Morons are there who walk this city. On rigorous analysis, I shortlisted some categories in which the morons found this city can be broadly categorized. Now the boundaries of these categories are not rigid, but these are fuzzy boundaries. One moron can belong to more than one category.
Now before continuing further, let me first clarify that I don’t hate Bangalore (don’t love it either) and have nothing against my fellow Bangaloreans and hurting anyone of them is last thing I will want (though it is still on the list).
So here is the list of categories that research has found.
1.The Buffaloes: These morons are worse than the buffaloes. Already the city is cramped, with a hell lot of traffic and footpath are as narrow as they can get, leaving very little space to walk, and then you have these people who for some reason stand aimlessly right in the middle of sidewalks or footpath. Add to it, they have no intention to give way to anyone who is in a hurry. Any request like ‘excuse me’ is ignored by these morons and they will simply turn their ass towards them. You either have to leave the footpath and walk on the road or, if you are one like me, literally shove them away. Even buffaloes move out of the way when you shoo them away, but these morons, never. To deal with them, simply stick your elbow with a little force just under their rib cage or your knee on the back of their ball and socket joint as you walk past them, then simply turn back and raise your arm in apology as if it was not done intentionally.


2.The Pet Dogs: These people always have an ID card hanging like a dog’s collar even when they are not in office. FFS! The ID card that company provides you is meant for security purposes, and there is no law stating that you need to wear it even after you are out of your office. Just because you may be working like a dog (no pun intended) in your office does not mean you need to actually show the world that you are a dog. Why the hell does one need to wear his ID card before office when he is sitting in a cheap (once again no pun intended) roadside eatery eating that idly floating in a river of sambar with the white thing made of grated coconut? Why the hell you need to wear it while you are having dinner? Aren’t your clothes decent enough to avoid the embarrassing situation of someone confusing you to be the waiter? Or do you think it is really so cool to work for a company like Oracle, IBM or Accenture in a city where every Tom, Dick and Harry works for a MNC, that you want to show off so badly? Really? I don’t think so, this is just a moronity.

3.The Honkers: Just because the economic boom couple of year ago allowed you to earn much more money than you actually deserved and you ended up buying a Car or just because you father is a moron who spent his hard earned money to gift you a car at an age when you can’t even tie your belt correctly does not give you the right to think you are some sort of a prodigy who cannot bear anyone else driving on their lane. These morons just cannot stop honking anytime they see someone in front of them. The horn is meant to be an informative tool and not an irritating one. These morons don’t seem to get that they are not the only ones in the city who are in a hurry. Why the hell do you honk when the person in front of you can’t move as it is a traffic deadlock which is ever so common in this city? I have even seen some of them honking even when there is no one in front of them but only the traffic light is red. Do you think that the traffic light will somehow listen and understand that you are in a hurry and turn green? Best way to deal with such morons is that when you are right in front of them and they honk, simply turn down your engine, plug in your earphones and play a loud song. Let them honk till traffic clears, and then too don’t give them way. Drive as slowly and calmly as possible. Out of frustration he or she may stop honking and then he or she may hear others behind him honking too. Out of frustration he or she may bang his or her head on the steering wheel and get hurt (purpose solved) or in case if his or her moronity coefficient is even higher and he or she comes out to fight, simply say in an insulting tone “Oh you wanted way, I thought it’s your habit” and simply speed off.


4.The Footballers: This name is sort of a misnomer, as most morons in this category have never played Football in their life. They simply walk around streets shouting ManU, Chelsea and Rooney shit. Why in the world do you want to ensure that everyone around you know that you love football? Why the hell do you need to spend so much money to buy a jersey with a player’s name? Really, do you think that just by wearing a jersey bearing the name of Christiano Ronaldo, you can actually end up having half the number of girlfriends Ronaldo has had? Why can’t you simply sit in your house and enjoy the game? Why do you need to post it everywhere that you actually see EPL? Do you think that makes you look cool? No sir, you look like a moron who is just desperate for attention?


5.The Gyanis: This city has a lot of Gyanis who know everything ranging from launching a satellite to cooking lemon rice and for some reason they put extra effort on their vocal cords to teach everyone, not only their reluctant followers but to anyone 30 feet away from them. These are people who seem to know the solution of all the problems of the human race. Go anywhere in the city, a restaurant, a shopping mall, CCD, a bus, or even for a walk in a park, there will be at least one such moron less than four feet from you who will be talking how growth can be achieved, how children should be handled, how to make money, how economic policy should be, how can one deal with price rise, how can Manmohan Singh deal with Obama, how Dhoni should set the batting order, and also how world can be saved from destruction in 2012. Add to that they have a strong urge to pour out all the advice on you. Many of them may be your friends always saying “You should do an MBA?”, “You should not eat junk food”, “Avoid drinking”, “You need to change your job”, “You should try this beauty cream”, “You should hit the gym”, “You should …blah blah blah”. Give me a break. Why the hell can these people not improve their lives when they know so much?


6.The call boys and call girls (no pun intended, but totally avoidable): These are a set of people who for some reason cannot get the phone away from their ears, whether they are in a bus, in a mall, having food in a hotel or walking on a super crowded street during peak hours (don’t blame Junior Bacchan’s Idea ad for this). Even when they board a flight, the air hostess will virtally have to coax them to switch off their phones leaving them looking utterly miserable and as soon as the plane lands, first thing they will do is to pull out their phone as if they have almost missed a call from Malikka Sherawat. Add to that they seem to have a notion to make everyone around them aware that they are actually talking something important. In 5 minutes that you are around them you will come to find out, which friend of the guy is ditched by which girl, which friend of the girl has bought a new dress from which shop, which person has been fucked how much by his or her manager, which person has got which interview, who has used what super algorithm to solve which problem and the credit to which was taken away by his team lead, which person always feels he or she is a genius stuck with fools. Is your life so miserable that you don’t even have someone to talk your problems or secrets to in person that you are so driven to let everyone know how important you are? Or are you such a monster of a moron who for some reason still thinks you are one of the privileged few who has a mobile phone? I don’t have the answer.


7.The Crybabies: These are constant complainers, living miserably themselves and making everyone around miserable. They will complain as if it is their career to complain. They will wake up complaining that they don’t have a sound sleep, then complain about the weather, then complain of the fucking traffic (still valid). When they reach office, they will either complain that they don’t have enough work, or complain that they have too much work. They will always complain that their manager is a moron and all his colleagues are out to get them. They will complain that the food is bad, health is bad, and they don’t have enough money. When everything is right in their life they will complain that their life is monotonous. They will sit in Domino’s or Pizza Hut and complain that junk food is destroying younger generations. They will sit in CCD and complain that price rise has stuck them badly. They will spend hours in online chat rooms and (yes still there are few, who play asl game) then complain that they don’t have time. If your life is so miserable why the hell are you even living?


8.The Rakhi Sawants: Well girls are allowed to be a little stupid, but then some of them are abusing this privilege. Isn’t one Rakhi Sawant enough to take care of all the dramas? Why the hell are all of you turning into Rakhi Sawants? Why the hell do you always walk as you are always on the ramp? Why you need the fake ascent to speak? What is the need to fill up your house with soft toys? Do you think that just because the some guy says you are ‘gorgeous/hot/sexy/beautiful’ means you really are one of them? No absolutely not, we say that to every second girl. And also your perfume may be nice, but that does not mean you start marinating in it.


9.The Smoke Chimneys: Well if you want to smoke, take a cigarette, go to your house and smoke your ass out. Why the hell do you do it in public places? It has become almost impossible to stand anywhere in the city, without passive smoking. Every day I walk from office to home, I gulp in so much of their bloody smoke for they are standing outside their respective offices blowing away. At times I feel like snatching their cigarette, and stuff it in their ass, burnt side pointing towards them. Do you think it is such a cool activity that must you do it in front of everyone? If you want to die, go and die alone. Why take others down with you?

10. The Rockers There are people who have an agenda, that if they hear rock music, everyone should know about it. As long as it is restricted to wearing Jerseys, stuffing an I-POD or it's poor cousin to the ears, and walk with a swagger, these are bearable, but what the hell is playing it so loudly when they are at home causing utter pain to everyone in the rocker's locality. These are people who can't seem to go to sleep without waking everyone else up.

Well that’s all the categories I have currently found out. Off course, with a little more research, we can come up with more categories, and also each category can be further subdivided into smaller sun-categories. Soon we may find an algorithm to decide a person’s membership value in each of these fuzzy sets. Well moronity is not a crime, so they cannot be driven out of the city, and as a result city cannot be cleaned of these morons. But then nothing is more satisfying than insulting these morons, so never, I say never, miss a chance to insult them.

P.S. If you are reading this and are also a moron, avoid negative comments for you will be insulted and even if you post as anonymous I will expose who you are for I have a stats counter which tells where are my visitors from.