There has been no bakwas from me in more than 5 months because honestly I have been getting a lot of it in my everyday life. Off late I have discovered new realms of human stupidity which I had never thought even existed. And to add icing to the cake I have discovered why stupids continue to be such a pain in the ass. The theory is "a stupid goes the proverbial extra mile to prove that he or (in most cases) she is not stupid and in turn ends up doing such blunders one may have never imagined or prepared for". To add a few I have seen an engineer entering ‘username’ and ‘password’ literally when I asked her to enter her username and password, I have overheard people thinking FDI is a part of Jan lokpal, I have seen people who have only read Revolution 2020 discussing English Literature, people saying Ra.One is a super movie and that it deserves awards and well I have seen Kapil Sibal trying to make us believe that Facebook status message is a bigger threat to national security than terrorism. I rest my case.
So 2011 draws up to a close in a couple of weeks and people are getting ready to welcome 2012 with those super shit, age old, copied, plagiarized or forwarded smses or the new but equally irritating technique of putting up an e-card photo on Facebook and tag people in it. Also, a huge number of people will be busy drawing up a set of new year resolutions. Some of those resolutions like ‘work hard’, ‘do charity’, ‘practice yoga’, ‘quit smoking’, ‘no alcohol’, ‘learn to play an instrument’ etc. will be made public on the Facebook walls soon, whereas the resolutions like ‘eat less’, ‘bath at least thrice a week’, ‘not fart in public’, ‘stop chasing the girl I have been chasing from high school without success’ etc. will be filed and placed in secret cabinets where no one else can access it. New Year Resolutions have never been my cup of tea. Not that I have not tried but none have lasted more than a week. But given this year 2012 may actually see the end of the world I wanted to have something to look forward to do in it. So, instead of a New Year resolution I draw up a 2012 wishlist. If at the end of the next year (given that world exists and also I am still alive) if I have checked half the item of this list, I would be able to say this was the good year. So here is my wishlist:
1.Punch someone, who uses the word ‘ideally’, right in his or her face.
The world is not supposed to be an ideal place but then it does not stops some moron to use ideally with each and every sentence they use. Add to it whenever they use ideally these idiotic souls will invariably follow it with ‘you should’ or in a more politically correct corporate way make it sound ‘we should’ (which essentially means the same). Here is a sample
Him: “Ideally we should finish it today”
Me: “But its not possible. It’s already 8 P.M”
Him: “Ideally you should have finished it before. However, ideally we would like this sent before EOD today”
Me: “But you gave me these just five minutes back and EOD has already happened”
Him: “Ideally we should be ready to go the extra mile. Ideally we should not complain. Ideally it is our responsibility. I need to go home and watch the game but ideally we should finish it ASAP. Ideally you should finish it off today. Ideally we should question less and finish task at hand.”
Me: “FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!”
Only thing I should be doing ideally is punch such a person’s face so many times that next time he says ideally it comes out as band-aid.
2. Roughen up at least one employee of India TV
I will very dearly like to do this for all the shit they keep churning out 24x7. I know news quality has gone down but seriously ‘chajje par billo rani’ (cat on the roof) in a news channel. Why do we even allow such a channel to exist and also use the word India in its name? They know when the world will end, what fruit does Ganpati like, who does black magic and basically anything which is not news.
3. Kick the ass of one rash driver
If there is one sect who is worse than the terrorist it is this sect of rash driver for they too kill innocent people each year. I don’t know the reason behind their rash driving, whether it is bad parenting, mental disease, piles or just a lack of bladder control, but these should be hunted down and eliminated. For once I even advocate the Hitler’s gas chamber for these assholes. My target for this year is to at least get hold of one such moron and tie him on his belly to his vehicle and get his ass stoned by the crowd.
4. Slap a SRK fan
Need I say more? The whole 2011 was a living hell as wherever you go all you saw was Ra.One, and then finally when it came, and we thought it was over came the Dont' u or probably Don2, which is again likely to continue for some time. Obviously neither I nor anyone else can slap SRK, I would love to slap one of his fan for the sole reason of being so stupid to be his fan.
5. Put a piece of burning charcoal in the mouth of one public smoker
I have nothing against smokers as long as they take their cigarette home, lock their rooms and smoke their lungs out. It’s your lung go ahead and burn it but why the hell do it in a public place and take others with you? Due to these sons of bitches I have to do away with roadside tea, something which I really liked.
6. Write an app which automatically registers the email id of those, who post OMG shit on my Facebook, to a gay porn site
Self explanatory for everyone who uses Facebook. If you click on those shits to know ‘who viewed my profile’, or to check whether or not ‘you look funny in the picture’ and by your bad luck you end up posting those shit on my wall, be ready for changing your email address.
7. Beat the daylights out of someone who talks in a fake accent
“A fake accent and a low IQ are usually found in the same head” Anonymous. (Its actually me, but quoting some source gives one more credibility)
In a society where ability to speak a language is perceived as intelligence, stupids have gone the extra mile to acquire a fake accent. It gives them a sense of bravado and importance as the listener is not able to make any sense of what they just said. I admit, I have daylights confused out of me when I am in conversation with such people, and thus this year, come what may I will beat the daylights out of at least one such retard. If not beat up, I will at least replace their tomato ketchup with a bottle of red-chilli paste.
8. Break the mobile/TV/laptop/ipad/any other valuable belonging to a person who says to me ‘look at the bigger picture’
I have lost count how many times I have been exposed to this irritating phrase ‘look at the bigger picture’. Whenever I am sad, dejected, disappointed, feeling life has been a bit unfair, angry, frustrated, or simply disagreeing to a stpid logic, someone or the other has asked me to ‘look at the bigger picture’. I am just sick of it. Where is the picture even present, where is the smaller picture first of all. Next time, someone brings it out, I swear I will do the above mentioned, and then say, oh don’t worry about the broken stuff, look at the bigger picture. If they happen to ask what bigger picture, I will calmly reply ‘same one which you asked me to look at’
So here was my list for the next year. Does your list even match up?
